Does no news mean good news??

Before you read any further today's post isn't an update it's a venting process for me so you may want to skip this one.

It's been 5 weeks since Visa approval (2/19) and 5 weeks since we received a well check up (2/22). Tae is now 8 1/2 months old, Karley came home at 8 mos 3 weeks. This by far is the hardest adoption/wait.

It's been quite a challenging time for me lately. I question myself several times a day what is God trying to teach me? I'm even questioning my faith right now. I'm not sure if I can call myself a Christian. The wait is bad enough but all the other things going on right now, it's just too much.. I wonder is this Gods way of not letting me obsess over the wait but I obsess over it all anyway. If these last couple of months don't make me stronger I don't know what will. I do thank God for the amazing husband he has given me, without him I'd be no where.

The uncertainty of it all is what's the most difficult. Not knowing if travel will be July, August , September or even longer. I don't understand why someone can't find out what exactly is the process. If there are 200 families waiting for EP approval how many is a realistic amount to be approved in 1 month. If ours wasn't even applied for yet where is that going to put us. Seriously I can't understand why these questions can't be asked or answered for that matter. I think it's a fair question.

With each passing month our travel costs go up considerably which may make it impossible for us to even travel. What do I tell the boys? "I know I cancelled your Disney trip to go to Korea but guess what we aren't going to Korea either?" Does a 6 yr and 8 yr old really understand that. I have had people who told me they would, but I can tell you I remember being disappointed as a child and how that stayed with me.

My entire life is on hold. We can't schedule any summer plans because we don't know what to expect. We have 6 days left in March then April to struggle through with no word of any kind. I'm really frustrated right now and grieving for what I'm missing/loosing.

If one more person tells me it will all happen when Gods timing is perfect or it's just not the right time or God only gives us what we can handle. Or the ones asking me why we aren't getting special treatment since this is our 4th adoption, a sibling and they contacted us. If one more person asks when we are traveling and why I don't have more information... I so appreciate all the support but I can't tell the story one more time. I'm tired of defending a process I don't even understand.

Why are there so many area's of our life under attack right now? Why do all the little things bother me so much? Why can't I do it all like so many other I know or do they really have me fooled into thinking they can handle it all? Do I have the strength to endure all God has in store for me?

If you have words of inspiration please enlighten me because I'm really struggling right now. It's so hard to keep face for the kids and they can tell I'm not what I should be. Please pray for my strength to pull it together and be all that I need to be. Please pray for my faith, Please pray.....